Tell "Health Experts" They Are Tools This Christmas

The National Obesity Forum has told the BBC and presumably other compliant hacks that you should "Tell loved ones they are overweight this Christmas." I am, alas, not kidding. At all. I believe that the next article recommended in the sidebar on the Beeb's website -- which is not open for our irate comments, BTW -- would be "My loved one served me a hot steaming mug of Shut the Fuck Up," followed closely by "How to Repair the Psychic Damage You Did This Christmas."*

"Christmas may be a time of indulging for many, but health experts believe it is the perfect time to tell a loved one they are overweight." That's right. At the time when you want to nestle all warm and cozy in the bosom of your family, feeling the glow of peace on earth and good will to all beings that you think are important? Dr. David Haslam, Chair of the National Obesity Forum, wants your family to tell you, "sensitively," that you are fat.

This is fucked up on so many levels that I hardly know where to begin. First of all - does the National Obesity Forum think that fat people don't know they are fat? When our culture spends so much energy telling them that every single day? So we're not only fat but completely moronic? Or does Dr. Dave think that instigating hateful, misguided, and shaming (to those who will allow themselves to be shamed) conversations at this festive time will just flick on the switch? "Oh, that's what's been going on all these years! I thought the rest of you were just shrinking in the wash."

Dr. Dave says, "Suggesting to someone that they should consider losing a few pounds may not be a comfortable conversation to have. But if someone close to you has a large waistline then as long as you do it sensitively, discussing it with them now could help them avoid critical health risks later down the line and could even save their life."

But here's the deal, Dr. Dave: nope, it won't. And why is that? Because, in the words of Dr. Linda Bacon, who reviews and conducts real research on metabolism, dieting, exercise, and psychology: "Not one study has ever shown that diets produce long-term weight loss for any but a tiny number of dieters. Not one." Furthermore, there's actual scientific research showing that it is perfectly possible to be fat and healthy. And lots and lots of research showing that weight cycling or "yo yo dieting" is downright bad for you. And you know what else is bad for you? Being stigmatized, bullied, and stereotyped at every turn as lazy, stupid, undisciplined, and lacking in self-respect.

Right. So let's see just who this National Obesity Forum is, behind the benign-looking website oozing concern for the state of all us poor sick fatties and the costs of trying to keep us from killing ourselves with whipped butter souffles topped with lard.

Well, Dr. Dave is the "Acting Editor of the National Obesity Forum Newsletter Advisory Board of 'WLS' Weight Loss Surgery patient support group." Weight Loss Surgery, huh? Well, clearly he has no vested interest. He claims that bariatric surgery "is among the most clinically effective, and cost effective procedures in any field of medicine.” Uh-huh.

Who else is on the NOF Dream Team? Well, there's Dr. Matthew Capehorn, NOF's Clinical Director who was, get this, a paid shill for a – get this – weight loss SPRAY product!!! They think fat people are too stupid to know they’re fat? How about being so stupid that you'll endorse a spray-the-fat-away product?

Then there's pharmacist Graham Phillips, who promoted making Orlistat (Xenical) available over the counter to anyone with a BMI over 28. Orlistat is notorious for its gastrointestinal side effects (anal leakage, anyone?). Phillips also owns a chain of pharmacies in Hertfordshire.

And who funds the National Obesity Forum's website?

1. Pharma giants Sanofi, who have pulled at least two weight loss drugs from the market amid claims that they make people so depressed they kill themselves.
2. Mega-pharma giants Roche – they make Xenical. Surprise! Oh. No. No surprise.
3. Giant pharma giants Abbott – they pulled their weight loss drug Merida off the market.

Makes you think it’s not an obesity epidemic, it’s a lust-for-unconscionable-profit epidemic. At least it's comforting to know that the Brits, in this as in many other areas, actually are not classier than us.

Happy Festivus!

*I normally don't swear on this blog, since I post it in places where people can see it. But this story makes me so mad that I am whipping out my profane vocab. If this offends you, try not reading words beginning with "f."

Don't Be Afraid of the F-Word

So as you know if you've been hanging out here, I have been suffering with back pains of various sorts for months now, and I finally got it together to start working out with a personal trainer last week. I haven't worked with a personal trainer before, not as such. I worked with the inspiring Lisa Engles as a triathlon coach, and I've worked with a whole panoply of physical therapists for one injury or another (wrist, shoulder, hip flexor, Achilles tendon, back on various occasions). Having my own personal personal trainer though, that made me feel like I was committing to getting my mobility and athleticism back in a very real, and very financially draining way.

The first session went really well, as I mentioned. Khrys was funny and straightforward and cheerful, and we started chatting and giggling about things like the Great Mythbusters Cannonball Oops of 2011, Christmas lights, triathlons, and burpees.

I was resting in child's pose after a series of very modest forearm-knee planks when Khrys piped up, "So... I'm gonna try and verbailize this..."

My ears swiveled on their telescoping stems and started to quiver. Here was the inevitable conversation about my size. I was interested to see what this smart and engaging woman had to say about it. She had been quite complimentary about my strength and form as I did squats earlier, and we had talked about my athletic career as well as my rather unathletic 2011.

"I don't know... I don't wanna... Have you always been --"

"Fat?" I offered cheerfully.

"No! No! I don't like that word," she answered, looking a little embarrassed.

"It's OK," I said. "There's nothing wrong with that word. it's just a word. I'm fine with it."

She didn't offer any other word, and I let her off the hook. I told her that I was always a big kid, that as an adult I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds, always ending up fatter than before no matter how hard I worked to keep the weight off, and that I had started having issues in my sacroiliac joint in my mid-twenties, when I weighed at least 100 pounds less than I do now. I told her that the first time I had been laid up with back pain, I was at nearly my lightest adult weight (about 190) and was very active. I also told her that I understand that physics comes into play, that greater mass equals greater force at work, but that I believed that the body learned to adapt to the forces, given appropriate training and care.

So that was that conversation. I think we're going to have more conversations about the F-word, why it's not scary to be fat or call yourself fat. Khrys didn't take one look at me and say, "Well, obviously you're here to lose weight." or tell me I was too fat to go around exercising or anything. I think we're going to get along.

But It's a Good Hurt

One of the things I espouse vigorously is that it's completely unproductive to compete with your past self. Whether your past self was thinner, had more time,more driven by a specific goal, didn't have the injuries or illnesses you have now, or was just younger, any sort of regimen that is based on "getting back to where I was before I was ___________" is, in my opinion, futile. It really only works to figure out what you want yourself to be now and then set some goals that are compatible with that.

As I have previously mentioned on this blog, it sucks to have to take your own advice. I have even wondered if my physical and psychological travails of the past several years have been forcible, not to say rude, karmic prods in the direction of really, really internalizing my own advice. But I don't believe in karma.

Having deteriorated over the past 10 months to the point where lots of everyday movement was painful and exercise had come to seem unwise, I decided to embark on a journey with Khrystyne Kaphan, the personal trainer recommended by my chiropractor. It was ridiculously hard to get our schedules in sync, but eventually I decided to change my work schedule around so that I could work with Khrys. And today was our first session.

She asked questions about my injuries and pains, current and past habits and experience with the vocabulary of lunges and squats, planks and stretches. She watched me from several angles as I did 22 squats, which I was rather surprised I could still do at all. Then I got down on the yoga mat - an adventure in and of itself - and we commenced with the floor work. This is where it became useful to refrain from comparing my current self to the self of seven or eight years ago. We were working on things that were elementary, Core for Dummies stuff, and I was only doing then at the most elementary level. The important thing, though, is that I was doing something, I wasn't hurting myself, and I felt confident that Khrys, watching every contraction of my muscles, wasn't going to let me hurt myself if she could help it.

Most of the work over the next few weeks - or maybe months - will focus on reeducating my core to support me strongly and move me around more fluidly; relax things that need relaxing and strengthen things that need strengthening. Every exercise of the 12 assigned me as daily homework, with one exception, is familiar to me from past workouts and bouts of physical therapy. I could probably even have strung them together in a sequence not unlike the one that Khrys put together for me. But I didn't. Sometimes you just need a little direction, a little push, and a little reassurance that you can still do something, even if it's small.

Anyhow, I was looking for a good pic of a fat girl doing a modified plank pose or any of the things I was doing today, but instead I came across this super cute bronze figure of a fat girl doing the cobra, which I am NOT doing for a long time yet. Get your bronze figure from Eastern Serenity. Serenity now!

If You Think You Want to Write a Book

I get a lot of emails from people in the vein of “I’m thinking of writing a book about my experiences as a ______________.” Also, people at cocktail parties apparently all want to write books. In the spirit of helping others and being supportive, I decided to take the things I usually tell them and make a blog post out of it:

1. Do you really want to write a book? When people say, “You should write a book,” does that idea fill you with excitement or horror? If the latter, stop reading now. Why on earth would you write a book if you don’t really, really want to? Better to go into the garage and hit yourself on the head with a hammer a few times. Sooo much easier.
2. Why do you want to write a book? If the answer is, “To become famous and make money,” stop reading now. Go get the hammer. The book business is not very profitable, especially for people like you. And me. If the answer includes phrases like “fun” and “love to write” and “I already have 2/3 of it written,” as well as “I don’t care about money,” you are all set.
3. Who would buy your book? Be specific. “People” is not a good answer. “Moms who want to do triathlons while still taking care of their kids” is a pretty good answer.
4. Where would your book go in the bookstore? What section? How would people search for it on Amazon?
5. Who else has written books about what you want to write about? Search Amazon.com to see if your “South Pacific travel memoir” idea is crazy overused already. Hint – probably.
6. Why is your book different and/or better than their book? If the answer is “Because it’s my story,” stop reading now. Give me the hammer and let me hit you over the head with it. Thank you. If your book includes a gripping description of completing the Iditarod using hamsters instead of sled dogs, that’s different.
7. Do you know exactly how your book is structured, from beginning to end? If not, put the cocktail down, go home and write a detailed outline. How many chapters are they? What are they about? If you can’t think of a detailed outline because you need to actually write to know what you will be writing about, write the book before you go any further down this road. If you can’t write an outline or write the book, then that should tell you something.
8. If you haven’t yet done the stuff you’re thinking of writing the book about, go do it. Take extensive notes while you’re doing it, and then find me at next year’s party.
9. Why are you the person to write this particular story? Have you spent 15 years training hamsters to pull sleds in the Arctic? Are you a regular mom from Sioux City with a dream of hamster sledding? Why you?
10. Go online and Google “how to write a book proposal.” There’s a pretty standard way to do a nonfiction book proposal. If you’ve seriously answered questions 1-9, you will have made a pretty good start at putting your proposal together.
11. You will most likely need a literary agent. If you have gotten this far and you still want to write a book, find me again as that’s a whole nuther post.
12. Are you sure you don’t want to write a blog instead? Look how easy it is.

I realize that this came out sounding kind of snarky, which I actually don't mean it to be. I really want people to write books. But only if they really want to, and only if they really want to after doing the research and thinking seriously about the current market for books. If you are good and persistent, you may well get an agent and sell your book to a publisher. You may decide you want to self-publish, or publish in electronic format, or any number of things. You may have a riveting story and be a scintillating writer and you might change the world. So go do it!

What Do You Think of This?

Hey all; happy post-turkey, falafel, pizza or whatever meal you use to give thanks with... we used a bunch of turkey, some ham, and traditional trimmin's and it was a fine day.

On another note, I am honestly curious to get a lot of comments on this ad. What are your reactions to it? What do you think it's trying to say? Looking forward to a lively discussion.

Baby Steps in Classic Boots

Triathlete-wise, there's not much going on. I had a personal training session lined up with Brittany, who was recommended by my chiropractor, but then two days beforehand she called me up and told me she had gotten another job and wasn't going to be able to work with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which are the days that I customarily work at home and have a flexible schedule. This is the second trainer I've tried to connect with; the first one, even more highly recommended by my chiropractor, doesn't work Tuesday/Thursdays at all. What's wrong with Tuesdays, I wanna know? Are all the trainers in Sacramento skiving off, getting together to eat Ring Dings, drink Kool-Aid, chew the fat about their clients? So to speak.

I've tried to line up appointments for Mondays or Wednesdays, and time and time again it happens that something happens right at the time that I would need to be leaving for the right train to make the appointment. I'm thinking I might change my schedule so that I'm home Mondays and Wednesdays, just so I can find a trainer.

In other news, I threw away a few nasty-ass Jell-o brand "chocolate mousse" desserts that had been lurking in the back of the fridge for... yeah, no. I'm not gonna even tell you how long. And the pathetic thing is, I knew they were nasty when I bought 'em.

I've also bagged up some clothes for Goodwill and bought a few new ones. I'm not the first person to realize that I was putting off buying clothes because I felt that I was "too fat." Or the first person to get happy and buy some new duds. Or even the first person to buy a nice pair of black boots from Zappo's just because.

P.S. I am also buying whole milk organic yogurt. Did I mention that last time? It's pretty amazing.